Subarban Ballerina

I'm very sorry that I haven't updated in awhile, life has been so extremely busy.
Since I've last updated, I've been with Taylor a ton. And I've fallen in love with him. Taylor James Rash; a.k.a. The Man I Love. He is absolutely the most romantic, sweetest man I have ever known. We can have the most serious conversations about religion or our beliefs, we can cuddle together beneath the stars, we can tease each other, and be the biggest nerds in the world. His eyes are the color of sand when it meets the ocean, and it feels like he can see into my soul. His hair is the amazing color of warm clover honey. The way he makes me feel...I'm not sure I can describe it.
But I'm going to try.
When I'm with Taylor, I feel like I just woke up and remembered that it's Christmas. It's like the sun is warming my face on a breezy day in early October. I feel like I'm going through a loop-de-loop on a roller coaster and my heart is doing somersaults in my chest. I feel like a five year old and I can be as silly as I want with Taylor. He makes me love those little butterflies that flutter around in my stomach whenever he kisses me. His smile lights up the room and I love the way it lifts my heart. He makes me see the beauty of God in everything and appreciate all that I have.
Taylor James Rash is simply amazing.

Much Love <3,
Alyssa Marie

The twists and turns life takes in just a short amount of time is enough to disorient anyone. It's certainly disorienting to me at least. How does so much change in such a short amount of time?
You see, my boyfriend is incredible. And yesterday he discovered that he can completely be himself around me, no matter how geeky he is. I'm glad he discovered this, because now we don't have to worry about awkwardness, or having to impress each other. He's so funny and cute, and a total nerd. And I love that about him. :) He likes that I love Lord of the Rings. I get to be a nerd around him!!
Taylor is so accepting with everything. He doesn't really like that I'm friends with Zack, but he's not going to tell me no. He realizes the importance of the friendship Zack and I have.
I'm falling for him, I really am. He's funny and absolutely amazing. :) And I'm falling hard.

Much Love <3,
Alyssa Marie

The reason the title of this post is what it is, is because I'm listening the song Without You from the musical RENT. It's such an amazing song. I think I'll post the lyrics!!

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
willingly blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you
without you
without you
without you.....

Isn't that an amazing song? Gah! I think so. It makes your heart wrench.

Alyssa Marie

Oh man, the last 24 hours has been....extremely too dramatic. I hate drama, I hate how drama brings out the worst in people. I can't stand it, I really can't. Luckily, I have a new amazing guy in my life who makes me feel so much better whenever I'm upset.
Somehow, when I'm with Taylor I feel so much better. We can talk about anything and everything. I can be completely honest with him and not feel like I'm going to get judged. :) It's amazing. And he trusts me! He trusts that I'm not going to go back to my ex and I'm not going to cheat on him. He's just amazing. I feel safe, we have similar goals and beliefs. :) Yes, I think this is the beginning to something big.

Today I had to go to my first Driver's Education class. It was...nauseating. Today we had a Trauma One nurse come in. She was part of a program called Nurses Talk Tough. We watched video clips of people getting hit by cars. We watched slide shows showing people before and after car accidents. I saw a picture of a guy with brains coming out of his nose. It was so disgusting that I had to put my head on my desk and shut my eyes. I don't usually get sick when I see gory things like that. I don't think my little sister will be able to sit through it, she gets sick when she has a tiny cut on her foot.
So that was my day. It was long and hard. But I'm feeling better now. Thanks to Taylor. Okay, I'm going to go get on facebook, more later.

Much Love <3,
Alyssa Marie

People often second guess themselves, they often question their own judgement. And when that happens we tend to rely on our friends to assure us that our judgement is right. I hate when friends doubt our judgement just as much as we do. Why do people feel the need to have approval from....well, anyone.

Approval. It's such an ordinary thing, yet it controls our lives so much more than we would like to think. Will our colleges, our parents, our friends approve of our grades and after school activities? Will our parents approve of our new boyfriend or girlfriend. Will my students' parents approve of my teaching tactics?

It's crazy isn't it? That we have to rely so heavily on others when making decisions in our lives. And why do we (well some of us) feel guilty when we disappoint our loved ones or don't live up to their expectations? Life is crazy, unexpected things happen. And things happen fast, but isn't that what's good about life. And what is so strange is that the split second decisions I make that people don't approve of, I usually NEVER regret.

So then why does approval matter so much to us? To me? Should it matter?

Just my thoughts.

Alyssa Marie

These are the random thoughts that are floating around my head. Be prepared to not understand how they flow together, because when I look back on them, I probably won't understand either.

Tired. hot sleeping bag. take down tent tonight. fan. so annoying. sleep. sounds good. too bad. hmm...I'm hungry. what to eat? nah, too lazy. couch. TV. what's on today anyway? movie. ohhh. movie last night. :) that was fun. So fun. Taylor! He's fun. and cute. and sweet. Sigh. I like him lots. I'm so comfortable with him. That's not normal, usually I'm so shy around new guys I like. Oh well. Boyfriend. Taylor's my boyfriend! :D Oh yes. Good day. Swim meet. Emily. Jordan. watch. want to swim, too bad I'll be wearing makeup. I'll flirt with Taylor. Some other time to swim I guess. Oh well. cute swim suit. Need another. Two bikini's isn't enough, especially when they're both two big on the bottoms! Stupid swim suits never fit me right. Jeans. AE jeans fit perfectly! I love AE. Too bad they're so expensive...oh well. That's why we have birthdays! There's nothing wrong with gift cards! Ew. Morning breath. Mouthwash. Now. Groooosss. Need a facial. pedicure. manicure. spa day! no money. poop. massage. mmm. sounds good, too bad. can't get one. stupid money. Onyata Gorge! Should go with Em, Kaylee, and Dez. that only takes gas. Em has a car! Yipee. Zacky. I miss him. I see him next week! We're going to Harry Potter! Yay! I love my Zacky big brother. So nice. Good friend. And supportive. So is Em. And B, and Becca. :) Best friends ever. Love them. Big hugs. Mine are bigger! Haha! Ahh! No crushing me! Oh man, and I though Taylor was certifiably insane, and to think it's actually me! Maybe we're both crazy. Ahaha. Not really a surprise. Oh well. Clothes. I need clothes. Time to go shopping again! School in a month! Oh thank the lord! Time to go. Shower time, need food. Stop typing. Bye.

Much Love <3,
Alyssa Marie